Grief, Hoping the cracks aren't Showing: A non-book related post

I know I've been MIA for a while.  I'd like to take a moment to tell you why.  

The gorgeous woman you see in this picture is my step-mom. She married my dad when I was only 2 yrs. old and loved me like I was her own.  Until May 1, 2014 I had not known life without her.  She passed away suddenly at the young age of 61.  She was the center of our family's universe.  She was our sun.  She was my mom, my role model and one of my best friends.  I still have my bio-mom.  I am so blessed.  I had 2 beautiful, amazing women to raise me.  That still doesn't change the fact that there is a GINORMOUS hole in my life.  She was so loved in her community that it was standing room only at her funeral.  As you can tell by her smile she was pure sunshine.  People gravitated toward her like moths to a flame.  When I was little and couldn't find her in our church building all I'd have to do is stop & listen for her laugh.  She was such a fun grandmother that my kids called her Xtreme MeMe.  She didn't bake cookies with them but when it was time to make ice cream sundaes she'd line the kids up and squirt whip cream from the can in all their mouths.  

How will we ever come out of this darkness without her bright light guiding us?  That was a rhetorical question.  I know that the answer is time.  It's my faith in God, and only that, that has kept me from drowning in this grief.  Whether you're a believer or not, is not for me to judge.  But it's what gets me through. Knowing that if she were given the choice to come back or stay in Heaven she'd choose Heaven.  Regrets are for those left behind.  The should'a, would'a, could'a's are for us to learn from.   

I know that what I'm going through isn't uncommon or unheard of.  In fact, when you put it into perspective, so many people have it much worse than me.  However, that doesn't stop the overwhelming grief that attacks me like a silent stalker at any time, day & night.  My dear friend, Jana, called it Gorilla grief because it attacks you like gorilla warfare.   I'd heard others describe this kind of pain.  Like a tidal wave that over takes you and you can hardly breathe.  In the last few weeks I have come to realize how people can actually die of a broken heart.  Pain so intense that it feels physical and all I want to do is scream in agony.  I know that things will be easier one day.  If for no other reason than it's what she expects of me.  She expects me to pick up the pieces of my lost & broken family and try to form them back together as best as I can.  I know I'm an adult but in the course of my life I've never felt more like a kid pretending to be a grown up.  

The next several months/years will be a journey of pain, adjustment and acceptance.  I am so thankful for the family and friends that have supported me and that will be there to see me through.  Kindness has been shown in forms I never knew were possible.  

So, I will get back to reading soon.  Thank you for sticking with my blog and understanding.  

Jeannette

Psalm 98:14